Dear Ellie: not long ago my wife of 20 years dropp a bomb forward me and my family of three teenagers.

Dear Ellie: not long ago my wife of 20 years dropp a bomb forward me and my family of three teenagers. She said she no longer had "those feelings" for me and study it best for everyone if we separated. Then she asked me to actuate out.

I was stunn I remind ofed counseling; she angrily said I should have cogitation about that sooner. But I'd had no idea that my marriage was in any perplex I know that I worked too many hours. on the contrary I've never been abusive, I don't take mix with drugss I drink only occasionally. And I've not cheated on her. I've always lov her.

She can't understand wherefore I'm refusing to leave. If she in like manner desperately wants to separate (she doesn't want a divorce), she should be the common to go. My children have advance to my defense, so my wife is accusing me of turning them against her.

Unfortunately, I believe she has done a permanent damage to her relationship with our children, chiefly to our oldest, who's now refusing to turn back to college. And all three girls have said that if I move they're coming with me.

I'm feeling guilty about not recognizing there was any enigma I've been sleeping on a recline and desperately trying to talk to my wife about anything, still she refuses to speak to me and no other than occasionally talks to the girls.

JUST PLAIN missing

Just Plain Lost: secure yourself to counseling immediately. It'll give you a certain number of insight, and your wife will diocese that you're committed to finding abroad what has gone wrong.

I empathize with you above the shock of all this. An experienced professional therapist will help you apply the mind at whatever past problems you pair may have had. Through a not many sessions, he/she will help you find ways to essay to communicate with your wife about wherefore she's set on this decision, as well as aid you to form strategies as to by what mode to deal with the events to come -- whether staying in the house or leaving.

I commit that you soon bring your children into family counseling, and ask that your wife participate uniform if she persists in wanting to separate. These young adults ne and be worthy of some understanding of why this is happening and for what cause to cope without feeling they carry any blame.

It would be irresponsible and selfish for your wife to refuse to help the children in this way, smooth if she continues to want this separation.

Dear Ellie: Nowadays teen want to stir out on their own, if it were not that my teen works at a nearby suburb in like manner there isn't any transportation to master home at night in the city. I'd pick her up at night, if it be not that she had friends that could take her hearthstone

to this time now she doesn't have a ride. She didn't ne me showed no venerate for me, but now I'm virtuous enough to pick her up And I have to drive her friend to one's home or I'm a mean mom This friend lives gone out of my way. My daughter is still at to one's home but I get her inlet all the time.

I don't be stirred I should be obligated to pick her up by what means do you feel about this matter? Teenagers want their independence on the contrary put the guilt on their parents.

F UP

Dear F Up: I have concern understanding how any mother wouldn't want to make enduring her teenage daughter gets abode safely at night. That isn't about guilt on the other hand about reality. And, sorry Mom on the contrary it is part of your piece of work

The fact that your daughter is sometimes unpleasant to you doesn't give you exemptions from being responsible for her safety. Many mothers would be pleased that a teenage daughter wants to work, and is trying to stick with her piece of work despite difficulties with transportation. Helping the friend acquire home makes sense, since it assures your daughter has someone she can occasionally ask for a favor in turn back

I know raising teen isn't the easiest period of motherhood; however coming to it with an attitude of wanting to do as little as possible is no help for this period. It's normal that their search for independence v their ne for feeling stable sometimes has teenagers acting like they're pushing you away while still making demands.

If you can understand this -- and remember your admit teens -- you might recognize any of your daughter's better qualities. point out to her respect for these, and you'll finish respect back for yours.

Tip of the Day: Families experiencing the upheaval of marital conflict and separation benefit from professional therapy for everyone involved.

Ellie's row runs Monday through Friday. launch e-mail to askellie@suntimes.com.

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